Coming apart at the seams

It's been a while since my last entry. I think almost 10 months. Ouch. I can say that it is certainly not from a lack of things to talk about. Man oh man have some things happened over the past 10 months. I will try and recap via the blog over the next few months.
I felt compelled today, actually I felt compelled the other day but didn't turn the computer on, to post.
I always say that perception is reality. And how we view things, people, circumstances, etc..have to be taken at face value. It's like a pair of pants or a shirt. On the outside everything looks fine. But on the inside, where you can't see, stitches are beginning to fray, seams are beginning to weaken, and holes are beginning to form in the clothes.
We try to keep up the appearance but every morning when we put on our clothes, we see the frayed stitching, seams, and holes. So what do we do? We try and wear them in such a way that no one will see the flaws and holes. We'll even wear a sweater vest or a jacket so no one will see. We're able to keep up the front for a time, but inside we know the holes exist. We know the places that are weakening, and whether we want to admit it or not, it is only a matter of time before the holes are exposed and the seams give way...kind of like when your britches split in the middle of a business convention.
The appearance in the above could be actions, words, etc... The "clothes" could very well represent our heart, our family, our relationships...to include our relationship with God. And when I say we...I really mean me. Oh the hypocrite I am. I struggle so often. And despite my faith and full knowledge, through my own experiences, of His faithfulness, I find it difficult to completely let go and let Him....to press on toward the goal He has set for me...the calling He has given me. I doubt my ability to trust completely and turn the welfare of me and my family solely over to Him. Why? Why can't I. He has always been faithful. He has never let me down. He has never not come through to provide for our needs. He is never late...though He is never early either (to my disappointment).
I sound good on the outside in my encouragement to others and my words of faith. But on the inside I am a complete mess.
Lord, I am spiritually bankrupt and in dire need of your provision, your presence, your voice. As the song says, "If we ever needed you, Lord it's now." I am begging, "If I've ever needed you, Lord it's now."